My Complex Life

November 12, 2007

Poo King Nitemare.

Filed under: Home, Work — The Inkless Thinker @ 7:57 pm

As I entered into the cubicle for my 0945 dump I knew it could be a great day. I had secured the best cubicle with a line of site straight to the basin and instant access to the dryer. The dryer’s position meaning I can block anyone from entering the cubicle once I have finished, thus saving them from a nasal melt down. Strategically I was the Poo King.

As I lowered my buttocks onto the seat I have a broad smile on my face (I do like to poo) but soon I realise everything wasn’t going my way. I lifted up my cheek to see I had sat in another mans piss. Inadvertently, it seems I have engaged in some mano-a-mano water sports.

Immediately I want to jump up, but right now I am a long way from snapping this bad boy off, I had only just birthed its head. Ideally I will hobble out of the cubicle to the basin to wash my buttocks with warm water, but decided against this in case my manager witnessed me half naked crouched over the sink.

I don’t usually agree with women but, men, if you do have to urinate in the cubicle because of penis insecurity, please lift the seat up.


November 9, 2007

Sweet Fishy Pigeon Pie

Filed under: Home — Tags: , , — The Inkless Thinker @ 4:40 pm

Pigeon Grey, Dead Salmon, Biscuit, Bone & Dorset Cream. No this is not a recipe for Sweet Fishy Pigeon Pie, these names are straight off the colour chart from my friends at Farrow & Ball. I cannot decide which one I want, and on top of that, I am colourblind. I need someone in the know, a real expert. 

I breezed through the door of my local interior design shop, donned with spectacles and a scarf to fake intelligence infused with style.

“Make an appointment please” blurted the woman. She held a pen between her teeth like a pirate with a knife and was probably already plotting how to pillage my bank account. Her fat rear jutted into the air as she knelt on her hands and knees cutting some material. She was so rude I was instantly convinced of her expertise. So I commit to coming back later in the week.

As for the colours, I am still none the wiser. I don’t know why this is such a difficult choice for me. The world is a confusing place at the moment, it wasn’t so long ago I was drunk every night and being sick on my shoes.

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